The Sunrise Dilemma
by TheStoriTeller
Summary: Any tale must have a beginning and even Yukino Yukinoshita once held a dream other than helping people. Trying to escape from her own contradiction she has strived thus far to accomplish her dream. But will the Service Club in the end be worth it? The sun rises as she faces this dilemma.
1. Prologue

The Sunrise Dilemma

 _Prologue_

I ran my hand alongside the warm handrail while gazing intensely at the distant sunset. The color orange flooded the sky just like the color blue ran alongside the sea, all the way up to the horizon. It had been exactly eighty three seconds since I had come up here but it felt like way more than that. What was I previously thinking about? The expected train of thought hit me all at once shortly after and my mood dampened immediately. A slight grin making its way through my face was proof of it.

"Do you intend on going downstairs anytime soon? Mother's pretty worried about you, you know?"

Her voice was as playful as ever and yet something was off about it, almost as if she herself couldn't pull through this without actually making an effort for once. Needless to say I had no intention of talking to her, my mood was way too insufficient for that now.

"Look…"

I heard the sound of her luxurious shoes making their way to me.

"...you can't be a crybaby anymore"

Her hands positioned themselves over both of my shoulders as she said this words. A crybaby? Was I really being a crybaby? I tried thinking about it but it was of no use anymore, any possible solution I had already contemplated multiple times. None of this seemed like a viable outcome however. No one could be saved now and that was the absolute reality, wasn't it? My raven black hair made its was alongside the wind that now came from the sea, trying to push me back. Closing my eyes in response I decided to just enjoy and go along with it. What a beautiful thing the wind was, it could fly anywhere anytime. Free and unbound to anything. Soon enough a faint sigh could be heard from her, was she finally taking her leave?

"You can't expect people to go out of their way to help you, you know? Life doesn't work that way"

Her voice was devoid of her usual cheerful demeanor, giving way to one that expressed nothing but sincerity. I decided then to open my eyes and face her, it was the least I could do.

"I know it may seem like this is the end of us but it was going to get here sooner or later. You can't delay the inevitable after all."

"The inevitable?"

I asked in contemplation, being unable to tell exactly what she was getting at.

"Endings."

I stopped looking at her upon hearing those words, opting instead to face the heartwarming sunset once more.

"Imagine your situations were reversed, would you really have helped him if he didn't ask for your help?"

So she wasn't done talking after all. More importantly though, would I have? I cared about him to a fair extent but respecting other's business was a must. Mother had always taught me to keep myself at bay when regarding other people's lives after all. That was what I thought without a doubt but what about how I felt? Would I have felt the need to help him? Undoubtedly.

"Should..."

I froze for a moment before realizing she was right. Even if I felt like I would have helped him, I had no right to intrude into his life without his permission.

"You see now, my adorable little sister? You have no right to feel like this."

Right? Did someone ever really need any right in order to feel anything? What a weird concept.

"We can't control how we feel but expressing our feelings without restraint is ill mannered. You might experience emotions without any rhyme or reason but expressing them is a whole different thing."

My lack of any response must have been her green light in order to continue. I almost felt the irrational need to disagree with her but she was being way too convincing, her logic flawless and her arguments solid. She may as well one day catch up to Mother.

"You are feeling sad about something you yourself wouldn't have done in his place. Don't you think that's being inconsistent?"

I knew she was right. Logically speaking any complaint from my part would be as unjustified as my arguments fallacious. No one, with the exception of Mother was ever able to beat her in an argument after all. The sudden realization of my own inconsistency led to a sudden struggle between my feelings and my thoughts, should any of them really ever take priority over the other? Raising my hand high above my head I sought to take the sun into my hands before it went off for the night. It was in that very moment that a spark was lit inside of me.

"I would've never have allowed it to get to this should our roles had been reversed and that's why...I will save people."

While speaking those words with newly found determination l could only help but gaze upon the eyes of my seemingly surprised sister. Her expression had become hard to read upon hearing my words, nothing but a small smile covered her features as she placed her hands on the handrail as well. Mimicking my exact posture she left out a small chuckle.

"Is that the conclusion you have come to? After everything I just said?"

I know I had sounded vague, optimistic and like a blind dreamer overall but even then I wanted to explain myself. Giving in to the awareness of my own pathetic responses would only further dig up the hole I currently stood in. And so, trying to repress the blush currently on my face, I spoke.

"It might be a far fetched dream but...I find it to be a better goal than just accepting the ugliness of this predicament as you do. I will dedi-"

"Yukino-chan..."

She rudely interrupted me with what seemed like an almost pitiful demeanor, was I really that naïve?

"One can only chase after butterflies until he or she reaches a certain age so...be sure not to overdo it."

Before I could even come up with a response she let go of the handrail and went back inside, leaving me alone with what could potentially be the longing feeling for a half assed conviction. Where could it possibly lead? I wondered in silence. There were ideas worth having and ideas worth exploring but only a few of them would ever be realized, the value of these independent of whether these could be executed or not. There was value in longing for something, it had to be or otherwise...

"I won't ever be as the likes of you..."

I whispered to the wind in solace.

* * *

This is just something I wrote today out of, I dunno, inspiration? Should I continue? Be sure to speak your mind


	2. Cold reality, colder self

The Sunrise Dilemma

 _Cold reality, colder self_

As I hastily opened the door of my locker I couldn't even be surprised anymore, things were going just as expected. Just another day to fill in within this joyless experience. Without paying much attention to the pathetic harassment notes planted by my classmates I recovered my second pair of shoes and proceeded to head out of school. I just would never be able to understand this pointless game of theirs, harassing me without trying to surpass me. It's not as if I believed myself to be superior but I couldn't be held accountable for their insecurities. It was already late enough for the most part of the school to be empty and so I found no resistance on my way out.

After arriving home I headed straight to my room without a word to anyone, not even to Mother. I was far too tired to try and deal with any more pressure right now, the incoming ordeal was already bad enough. Being forced to interact with him again as if nothing has ever happened was a cruel thing, even if I understood its purpose. I found myself lazily lying on my bed when a knock was heard from the door.

"Come in"

I replied half absently, already prepared for what would follow.

"Yukino, I believe I had made myself clear. You were supposed to be here two hours ago. What was the reason for your delay?"

The same old conversation, going and coming around an endless cycle of misunderstandings. She was my Mother and I recognized her as such but sometimes she seemed to take on the role of my boss. Ordering me around and expecting me to obey her every demand without any consideration for my feelings or situation.

"I need a new pair of shoes, the spare ones were used today..."

I replied without lifting my gaze to face her, the blankness of the ceiling over me seemed much more comforting than her right now.

"That's not what I'm discussing here and get up Yukino. I didn't raise you to be the kind of girl who doesn't face people when talking to them."

Conversation? This wasn't a conversation. I faced her nonetheless, my sight barely being able to make up her features while I tried to hide my face. How many times would we repeat the same argument? I could already picture how the next one would go.

"Now, please ready yourself. We will be heading to the Hayama state shortly."

Without waiting for me to reply, Mother took her leave. A feeling similar to relief made its way through me then. Without wasting any more time I steeled myself and proceeded to get ready.

The road to the fore mentioned place was rather silent as Nee-san fidgeted with her phone while Mother gave the new driver directions. The sky was bright today, a beautiful shade of green covered the side of the road almost as if mirroring the azure sky above. Ironic, wasn't it? It was almost as if my mood opposed the exterior reality with which I was met. Refusing to bring my own mood even further down I took out my phone and decided to read some news, not that any of them particularly interested me. It did pick my interest, however, that during the coming weeks a special limited edition of Pan-san would be available in Destiny Land. I then hoped than in spite of her mood Mother would still get me the yearly passport she had promised before.

"We could go get it together if you want"

The sudden remark from my sister prompted me to put my phone away immediately. Only to find her even more desperately peeking over my shoulder.

"Don't you have any sense of decency at all? It is rude to peek into someone else's phone"

"May be but you are my dear sister, not someone else."

Her fallacious argument was spouted with a mischievous smile as she led me on to continue.

"So are we going together to get it?"

"I don't-"

My sister stopped facing me then, opting instead for talking to my Mother in a loud proud manner.

"Mother, are you aware that Yukino-chan scored the first place in her high school entrance exams?"

Without any semblance of surprise Mother denied having any knowledge of the fact by moving her head side to side, before acknowledging me.

"Why didn't you inform me of this Yukino? You know I haven't been able to keep up with all of your school matters as of late."

"I forgot about it Mother, I apologize"

Replying just as an automaton would, the words reached my mouth before I had any chance of understanding their meaning. The feeling of deja vú followed shortly after. Mother's stare was piercing and sooner rather than later I had to break visual contact by facing the window and lowering my sight. The road seemed like a much more straightforward concept than this conversation, did I seriously just think that? Returning my attention to the conversation in order to avoid been labeled as rude I met with Mother's still static gaze. What did she even think of me? I wondered in silence while thinking of a way to dispel the tension. Could silence only ever be this tense and uncomfortable?

"So anyways" Nee-san came to the rescue by attracting all attention to herself. "I thought it would be a great idea for us to take Yukino-chan to Destiny Land as a reward. Wouldn't that be fun?"

Almost as if annoyed by my sister's behaviour, the unofficial leader of the family agreed without a second thought.

"It would certainly make a decent reward. I trust you will see to it, Haruno."

"Of course, of course. Yukino-chan is so hardworking after all!"

Feeling not only annoyed but also subtly put down by this conversation I opted for pretending I was asleep the rest of the way.

My eyes sprund open by the not so gentle touch of my sister, who now nagged me by poking my cheek. Stepping out of the car pushing her hand away from my face I couldn't help but to be amazed by the glorious aura surrounding the residence. A big garden, full with life and exotic plants from all around the world greeted us. A singular narrow, stone, road being the only way to the residence in front of us. I knew the Hayama were in circumstances similar to ours but they were clearly not as subtle about it. The house was not a traditional Japanese state but portrayed a rather European style, it was the kind of house one could find in a fantasy medieval setting. One would think that given our families' relationship I would have already been to this place plenty of times but the truth was that I had not, this was a first for me. Taking notice of my bewilderment my sister stood beside me, enjoying the radiant sun and breathing in the natural scent of the flowers. Even if I had grown to dislike everything about him during the past days, one couldn't deny that his aura was just as radiant as this garden was. Quite fitting, I thought. Perhaps were some of this flowers plastic replicas as well?

"I know this wonderful garden is under the utmost care but we must hurry now."

My Mother said as she passed alongside us. Something about that statement reminded me of what I was really facing. I hadn't come here to be amazed by his garden and would do well in not forgetting that. Without any further exchange we followed Mother up to the dark wooden door. After a knock or two the door opened without delay, this wasn't a mere exchange of pleasantries and I could tell as much.

"Good evening. Please, the Hayama are expecting you."

Much to my surprise it wasn't him who greeted us but a maid instead, not that I wanted to see him first thing in here. Following the dignified woman she led us through the spacious mansion until having reached the dining table. There sat Mr. and Mrs. Hayama, whom we the Yukinoshita greeted in unison while bowing. It immediately came to my attention that he was missing, was he unable to face me now? I briefly gritted my teeth at the thought of this.

"Good evening, Mr. and Mrs. Hayama"

I bowed respectfully, to which they appeared to gently smile.

"Good evening, Yukino-chan. I'm sorry Hayato isn't here today to keep you company"

Her mother said while looking bothered by the fact, to which I didn't really know how to react. Could his mother be aware of everything that transpired this past week? I don't really know why but highly doubt it, he wasn't the kind to share his thoughts like that. Needless to say, I had to say something in response.

"Do not worry, you will surely provide sufficient company already."

I bowed slightly to further empathize the nature of my statement but it was in that moment that I realized something. Did I wanted him to be here? Just so I could act cold to him? My sister would laugh at me the moment she became aware of this. Taking a quick glance at her I found her already carefully trying to make something out of my expression, was I being that transparent? I needed to calm myself and play it cool now.

"If I may ask, why isn't he here?"

I pressed on with another question as we moved in to take our seats. The three Yukinoshita in one side, facing the two Hayama on the other. Her mother broke visual contact after my question while looking slightly annoyed, this seemed to not be because of my question but the answer however. His father kept a straight smile while taking his wife's hand delicately.

"It's just a phase, dear. He will come around in time, I know it."

Much to both my Mother's and sister's puzzled expressions, it was Mr. Hayama who answered in her place.

"He's out with a friend of his, I think her name was Miura."

"Did he now? That does sound unlike him"

My Mother commented with a slightly repressed grin, I was pretty sure only me and my sister could tell this however. Having grown accustomed to her mannerisms we could tell when she was feeling uneasy but, why was this?

"I am solely to blame for this, he persuaded me in the end."

His mother admitted while reaching up to her temple.

"But I assure you his presence for the next time we meet."

"That's wonderful!"

Nee-san spoke enthusiastically as she took hold of the conversation. She had always been unlike me in that regard, able to turn any social interaction into her own. I wonder, could I ever attain some of her skills? I admired her a fair share after all, even in spite of her manipulative and cold demeanor.

"I was actually hoping he would come with us to Destiny Land next Saturday!"

She said with a straight smile. What was she even doing? I thought that she was genuinely trying to cheer me up back there but…

"Wouldn't you like that Yukino-chan?"

Before I could come up with any type of response she put me in the spot. She was way too good at this and I knew it, by forcing the decision on me refusing her would make me solely to blame. She had effectively cut away any possibility of me refusing unless I desired to engage Mother in an argument. Needless to say despair was the only emotion engulfing me now. Even when I kept a straight collected appearance, I felt nothing but betrayal on the inside. She knew better than anyone that I wasn't ready to face him again just yet. Would this ever come to an end? Could I ever help myself? Upon taking notice of my delayed reply Mother turned herself to face me, a static smile making its way across her lips.

"Of course she does."

She assured the Hayama afterwards.

"I will make sure to let him know"

His father said as a manner of courtesy, it was clear that since the moment my sister suggested the idea there had been no escape from it.

The rest of the night proceeded without further surprises, that is to say nothing beyond a few comments about family business or possible plans for the future of the two families. I know this somewhat concerned me and yet I didn't pay much attention to it, opting instead by pretending to listen while actually being lost in my thoughts. It had been happening as of late that I often fell back to what I had felt the other day on the roof. Did I really wanted to save people or just for someone to save me? It was probably the first I told myself. I don't need anyone to save me, nor my sister nor anyone. Speaking of whom, she seemed rather intrigued by this Miura girl.

"So...is Yukino-chan attending the same high school as those two?"

"That is the plan, yes."

Mr. Hayama responded politely while taking a quick glance at me. Was he expecting some kind of reaction? I had nothing to say about it to be honest, not anything he would want to hear anyways.

"Well, taking into consideration that middle school ends in a mere month, why not have our children take a tour of the school together? Getting them acquainted with the area would be beneficial as well."

It was as if I had heard those words but couldn't act on them because their meaning eluded me, as if I was standing still while drowning. While being forced into something that brought me nothing but pain. I had considered him a friend once but that wasn't the case anymore. We really can't elude endings, can we? Realizing the sudden change in my expression Mr. Hayama interrupted the conversation.

"Are you alright, Yukino-san?"

The sudden mention of my name brought me back to reality. Given everyone's expression at the table it must have been evident I was grieving at the moment. Even Mother seemed somewhat bothered by this fact and yet, I stood still in silence. Why couldn't I speak up? Was I afraid of him facing any repercussions? Or did I want to settle the matter myself? I couldn't really tell and it was tearing me apart. My emotional mettle had never particularly strong but I was really having a hard time keeping my emotions to myself at the moment. Don't explode, don't react, don't make a scene was all I could tell myself. Mother wouldn't approve of it and I wanted nothing but her approval right now. Sister would only call me a crybaby as well and so I had to suck it up and reply. The Yukinoshita name rested equally over all of us and it was about time I started to honor it. Trying my hardest, I managed to elude the situation with a half assed response.

"Please excuse me, I need some air."

Without waiting for a response or any sign of approval I left the dining room at once, nothing but the slightly irregular breathing of Mother making itself heard behind me.

The backyard garden was even more impressive than the front one, the moonlight falling upon me giving it an almost dreamlike aspect. It all glistened around me and for a moment I could feel loved by everything around me, from the plants and flowers to the cold air that passed by me. Taking a seat over a small stone fence on the far end of said garden I pondered in silence while trying to calm myself. I wouldn't get closure until I tried to talk to him as even should his motivations be despicable, the knowledge of these should be enough to bring me closure. I hated to admit it but my sister's words did have a strong impact in me, our previous conversation now popping up in my head being proof of this. Were we really that similar, him and I? Both forever unable to act? No, I told myself. Until knowing his motivations I wouldn't know that, reason for which him not being here nagged me more than it should.

"Mind if I keep you company?"

I was expecting my sister to eventually come get me as she had done before and so my surprise was evident when being met with the maid from before. Trying to repress my clear sentiment of surprise I replied without haste.

"Please, sit."

Gently taking a seat beside me she kept her gaze glued to the far end of the garden, admiring the fantastical effect the moonlight had over it. Her eyes giving up a calm yet resolute demeanor, it was the same look a wise warrior would have, and so I couldn't help but stare. Taking notice of this she faced me with a cheerful smile shortly after.

"Was it too much for you?"

Her question was simple and perfectly respectable, there seemed to be a bit more to it than I could tell however.

"Are you referring to my family's visit?"

"Of course, what else could I be talking about?"

Having fully acknowledged her question I simply looked upon the other side of the garden, just as she was once before. She soon did the same and we both remained in silence for a little while. Why would I vent up to a complete stranger? I had no reason to, I told myself.

"Some people assume that people like you lead the most fulfilling lives but in my experience this isn't true. People expect things from every single one of the members of a family, forcing their judging eyes on you and disguising it as interest."

"Wha-"

Again, my mouth was faster than my mind.

"I have served this type of families for a long time now, nothing but my personal experience."

"Yukino-chan! There you are!"

Just when I actually believed in a break from her she made her grand entrance. Her voice was cheerful and seemed to lighten the mood of the situation, at least on the surface. As she was either clearly pretending or just didn't care and this cut deep.

"Mother is calling us back, time to go."

Before I even had the chance to bid the woman beside me farewell or come up with any reply, Nee-san took hold of me by the wrist and dragged me away. It would always be like this, wouldn't it? For me to be dragged wherever needed in name of the family? As much as I hated the thought it was finally starting to sink in and in spite of this making things easier for me, it still wasn't clear whatever this meant.

* * *

 _Just look at you Yukino, still unable to make a decision, to make yourself heard. How could you ever hope to save people when you can't help yourself?_

* * *

So...I decided to continue :) To all of you who were interested in the minimal prologue be sure to tell me your thoughts. I was thinking of making a kind of origin story before delving into the actual plot of the show.

At any rate, thank you for reading :)


	3. Melting snow, freezing summer

The Sunrise Dilemma

 _Melting snow, freezing summer_

Some would tell you that the uneventfulness of a day could be enjoyable but this wasn't the case for me, at least not when I was actually waiting for something to happen. Mother hadn't spoken to me since yesterday, must be feeling pressured about my little getaway. What a stupid joke, I thought. Still, maybe it was about time I started to grow up a little bit; high school would start soon and this would be my chance to start behaving more like a grown up. Making my way through the empty halls of school I soon reached the entrance to my classroom, multiple laughs and some unintelligible sounds could be heard joyously from my side. I pondered in silence as a result, would things be the same? After hesitating for a bit I readied myself and opened the door. I had always been able to endure their pathetic attempts at harassment, so why would today be any different?

Walking with a straight face and a dignified posture I made my way to my desk, the place from which the world intently stared at me. I had gotten used to the stares and whispers throughout my life but there was something about it that would never grow old. Having never been someone who favored social interaction over my own peace of mind I decided to calmly read the book I often reserved for school. It was nothing particularly interesting but it helped me cope with everything around me. Literature was really a beautiful thing, wasn't it? Holding value precisely because in spite of being real or not it could still talk to our deepest desires. What is it that I desired? Acceptance? Love? Relief? It was impossible to tell. A possibility would always hold more innate potential than any immediate reality, this was probably the reason as to I refused to act. Losing myself amidst the train of thought that now engulfed me I didn't take notice of his arrival. Always pridefully holding that perfect smile of his, he made his way beside me. Cursing the fact that I once sought to seat myself literally by his side, I could now only hopelessly watch as he made casual conversation with the group that had already positioned itself around him. Like a king offering aid to his subjects, that was the image now ingrained into my mind. Resisting the urge to sneak a glance at him I kept on reading, the words soon losing their meaning and reducing themselves to mere symbols.

A shadow soon interrupted my thoughts as it positioned itself right over my book, preventing the light from reaching my eyes. Lifting my gaze in slight annoyance I found him, looking at me like I was the most precious thing in the world. Why was he looking at me like that? Standing on the threshold between confusion and anger I could only stare back, those eyes of his trying to warm my heart as mine sought to freeze his. Just what was his intention? Playing with me? Playing it off as a savior?

"Yukinoshita-san, I would like to talk to you after school if that's alright."

Talk to me? Why would he- No, this was perfect. This was exactly the situation I had been waiting for. So why did it felt so misplaced then?

"But we are still hanging out after school, aren't we Hayato?"

A girl whose name I couldn't quite place made her way in between me and him, much to her friends' approval who now stole glances at me while whispering. What a bunch of cowards, she at least, had the courage to make herself the target of attention. She had the courage do what I- No, I wouldn't be cut away like this. This was I had been waiting for, wasn't it? Standing up shaky at first but quickly regaining my composure I stood my ground.

"Hey, didn't your mother ever teach you basic manners? I was already speaking to him so you shouldn't interrupt."

Making myself heard I made sure she understood my words were directed at her, to which she responded in annoyance.

"Eh? What does that matter? Can't I talk to him whenever I want?"

"She's just jealous she can't have him all to herself!"

Another girl spouted from the distance as the rest of the classroom went completely silent, great, now we're the center of attention. There was no going back now. If I didn't stand my ground now, when you I? What would it take for me to make myself heard?

"No, it's nothing of the sort. He was actually the one who started talking to me."

I declared without any trace of hesitation, the truth was absolute after all.

"What? Why would Hayato even speak to you after the scene you made last week?"

"I…"

My gaze immediately dropped as I tightened my fists in both regret and shame. She hit me right where I was currently feeling weak and insecure, not that it was any kind of secret. This was my current weakness, one that she knew well and could easily exploit. Why wouldn't she face me fair and square? Despicable, I thought. Taking notice of my clearly weakened stare, she faced me head on this time.

"Losing your head like that, why would Hayato even want such a friend?"

Biting my lips with my head lowered and my fists tightened I fought the urge to either cry or run away. Even if this was tearing me apart, I couldn't back down now. But what could I possibly reply? I had indeed made a scene and couldn't take that back.

"Hey, cut it out. I'm definitely willing to hear her out, alright?"

Considerably late he still intervened, with that smile and always perfect mannerism of his. Why was he like this? Always trying to be on the complete right while ignoring the real issue?

"Alright…, it's not like she's worth our time anyways."

The girl replied with disdain while casually backing down, thus going back to her circle of friends. All of them already in motion to start gossiping about me. This left me standing alone, motionless and feeling somewhat betrayed. Why had he delayed so much in intervening? Didn't he care about me at all? After everything we had shared? He immediately stole a glance at me, this time showing true regret in his eyes. But what could regret ever mean if you didn't change your ways? Nothing. Taking a deep breath and finally winning the battle against my desire to cry I restored some of my peace of mind, the goal had been accomplished. Still, I had been unable to make myself heard once again and instead relied on someone who lacked the will to stand up for me. Sure the girl had backed away but this wasn't the conclusion that I wanted, it had felt so hollow. So devoid of any color and meaning, for what was a victory accomplished only through others? Trying to push those thoughts into the back of my head I took a seat, lying both of my arms on the table while resting my head over them. Refusing to hide my eyes I started at him blankly, how could he be so cynical? Even if he wasn't the friend I had made him out to be, how could he just stand by as the other girls harassed me? How could he? With a mixture of disappointment and hatred filling my heart I closed my eyes for a second.

"Yukinoshita-san..."

I heard his voice but refused to open my eyes, tears would pour out of my eyes if I did. Before anything else could happen however, the class started.

The rest of the day proceeded fairly normally once I got a hold on my emotions. School wasn't particularly difficult for me and I easily scored the best grades without much of an effort, the hardworking values of my family having already been heavily ingrained inside my head. I also honestly didn't mind being alone in spite of what some would think, solitude was a relaxing and peaceful state of being after all. People were often hollow and ignorant creatures anyways, always in a hurry without looking back at their actions nor taking responsibility. Always seeking to recreate their identity in order to delude themselves from their true nature. Any so called try in order to improve being nothing more than an excuse for some cheap gratification. I despised all of this and yet, couldn't help but to love people. Love them in a sense of admiring their never ending complexity no matter how much pain this brought my way. That was probably why I often felt so alone, standing in the threshold between love and hate. Despising but still caring without a fault. Could this broken world ever be corrected I wonder? Was it possible for anyone to really change out of their own motivation? I wasn't still quite sure but…

"Well just look who it is, "Mrs. Perfect…!"

Now stood before me the girl from before, proudly standing before two of her lackeys.

"You are not seriously considering talking to Yahato, are you? He just said that in the heat of the moment so you wouldn't drop to tears, you know?"

I took one heavy breath before reaffirming my posture and staring straight into that girl's eyes, I wouldn't forgive myself if I backed up now. Sister's words rang through my head right then and there and so, tapping into all the willpower inside me, I stood my ground without dropping my gaze. It was time for the crybaby to grow up, it was time for…

"Hey girls, let's all just get along together. The more the merrier, right?"

No, I gritted my teeth in exasperation, you can't take this away from me. You can't just take the world into your own hands and… Once I took notice of my tightened fist already trembling and struggling to stay in place it was already way too evident.

"Hey, there's like, no place for violence in here."

The girl who was previously provoking me took a step back, her face now showing nothing but disgust. He looked at me, confused, while trying to decide on what the correct course of action would now be.

"We are getting out of here, weirdo."

One of the two lackeys who cowardly stood behind her said just as the group started to leave. She was no coward, was she? In spite of being one of my harassers she actually took me head on instead of talking behind my back. It was not as if I liked any of this but, in a way, I admired her. She was courageous and had something I didn't, even when she was driven by nothing but childish insecurities. Was there any use for all of my beliefs if I lacked the will to act? This world wouldn't be changed by the power of pretty words alone, change would have to be enforced.

"Are you alright?"

Feeling somewhat distressed for him having cut my train of thought I replied without hesitation, my voice now carrying if only a bit confidence that wasn't there before.

"Of course, I don't anyone to save me."

What a fool I had been, how could I ever expect for someone who can't force anything to make a difference? He would always act on the right no matter the circumstances, would always pretend for everything to be alright. Nothing but a rose colored fairy tale, I thought. Controlled by his own foolish desire to keep the order he would never be able to achieve any kind of change by upsetting an existing order. As I arrived to these conclusions I couldn't help but to feel annoyed by my own ignorance and lack of insight and while feeling betrayed by my own flawed image of him, I pondered and released myself.

"I wouldn't expect anything different from you."

I said a bit more harshly than intended while making my way forward. We really can't avoid endings, can we?

The last period seemed to go by in a flash as I continued to think, trying to make sense of his possible motivations. Disheartening as it was however, I failed to pinpoint them. It was the weirdest thing that after knowing one another for so long we still didn't know much about one another. Knowing how a person usually acts is not enough to understand them, to do that one must understand not only their situation but their objective as well. In short, their motivations. What were his? I couldn't possibly know but needed to acquire said information somehow as I hoped these would bring me some peace of mind and sense of closure. Even if I had somewhat catched a glimpse of his true self this wasn't enough, there was much more to be unveiled. Holding on to this sense of purpose I felt somewhat relieved, at the very least I was moving in the right direction.

Once class finished I quickly made my way out of the classroom without a word while ignoring the barely audible whispers, such cowards didn't even deserve to be listened to. It had been enough for today and by this point I just wanted to go back home. What would await me there however? Truth was I often didn't feel like going home and sometimes had the urge to run away. What a despicable thought that was, my family provided everything for me after all. It logically made no sense and seemed just as misplaced as real. Making my way down the stairs and eventually out the front door I reminded myself to get a new pair of shoes as soon as possible as spares were always needed. There was still one month until the end of middle school after all, this was still somewhat relevant. What would my high school life would be like? I wondered. As I got closer and eventually became able to discern the black limousine in the distance, I took notice of two individuals. Nee-san and...him. Why was she here and why were both waiting for me?

"Yukino-chan! Come here already or we'll be late! Don't you want to go get Pan-san or something?"

It's not that I don't want to but could you at least tell me beforehand? Plus, I'm not in the mood for being around him right now.

"I'm coming, can't you wait a little while?"

"Always so proper, my dear sister. Come on, get in!"

She said with such an enthusiastic smile and alluring voice I couldn't really tell whether it was fake or not. Was she actually excited about this? As the driver opened the door and I climbed into the car, Sister subtly pushed him in. Forcing me to seat beside him.

"No need to be shy!"

She said playfully while effectively forcing him in before her.

Apparently my sister had already talked to Mother and made all the necessary arrangements for us to visit Destiny Land as reward of sorts. What a joke? A reward? If I hadn't gotten the top score in the entrance exams Mother wouldn't take it lightly, this wasn't a reward but more like a remainder of where I stood and what was expected of me. The Yukinoshita should always be impressive after all, in sport, academics, social skills and personal values. I brought down the curve in one of those though, this being probably why they had always paid special attention to me. Always ensuring I wouldn't dare step over the line, created by both oppression and freedom, rewards and punishments. The way to Destiny Land was incredibly awkward and silent, with only Sister alone making small conversation at times. She just couldn't shut up, could she? He refused to look at me and dedicated most of his time to go along with Nee-san's pointless chattering as well. As for me? I spent the road picturing Pan-san already in my hands because as awful as this little outing could turn out to be, the idea of holding Pan-san might just make all of it worth it. Once we arrived and went on to buy the tickets my mood improved if only by a bit, I was actually feeling happy about being here. Sister naturally went on to buy the tickets but not before giving me a little present.

"Here Yukino-chan..."

She said while handing down to me the yearly passport to Destiny Land I was promised before. I was somewhat happy about finally getting it but, couldn't Mother at least give it to me herself?

"...for all of your hard work! Now, as I don't have one of those, be back in a bit!"

Watching her go ahead in order to buy both hers and his I was left alone, standing right beside him amidst an almost unbearable silence. The awkwardness was pretty much palpable and it felt as if I was going to suffocate in it. Yet, this was my chance. If I could ask him his motivations now I would now for sure. Know for sure if… But how does anyone even make such a question? Isn't it rude to ask someone to justify their actions? It obviously is. Someone like Mother would never approve of such a question but I really needed to now, I needed to make that question no matter how rude it was. Making it in the most delicate way possible was however still a must and so as I pondered as to how exactly to make it he sneaked a glance at me. His usual charming aura feeling somewhat diminished even if it was still considerably strong, he was getting nagged by the silence. So even he had his limits, huh? Taking into consideration every possible variable I could think of and tapping into the still somewhat messy determination held inside me I proceeded to make my question.

"Hayama-kun, why did-"

Before I could finish and like by the act of some superior deity, a dark haired primary schooler stumbled between us and fell to the ground in a flash. Barely but surely placing her hands in time and thus avoiding nastily injuring her face.

"Hehe..."

She smiled wryly before immediately getting up and resuming her run. Being on her way again so fast we couldn't even ask her about her wellbeing. By we, referring to a concerned me and a distressed him.

"Careless kid..."

I muttered under my breath just before a boy around our age, one with the most dead-looking eyes I had ever seen before, made his way past us and after the girl from before. What had just happened? Before I even had the chance to comment anything Sister was back, what a coincidental timing. This surely couldn't be random, could it? Feeling annoyed for having missed such a perfect chance to free myself from this burden of mine, I silently followed after my overly energetic sister. All while thinking about the future and walking besides who had been once a good friend.

"We haven't been here in ages, have we? Be sure to enjoy yourselves!"

Sister said enthusiastically as she pressed on ahead. Taking notice of her intentions and realizing this might as well be my only chance anytime soon I patted him in the shoulder lightly, one couldn't avoid endings after all.

"Please, come with me. We are taking a little detour."

* * *

 _Komachi! I'm coming for you, little devil!_


	4. The dawn of her reality

The Sunrise Dilemma

 _The dawn of her reality_

What is sonder? Sonder is a term used to describe a particular realization we all come to at some point during our lifetimes. The realization that everyone other than us is living a life just as complex, vivid and real as our own. Full with their own thoughts, wishes, ambitions, pain, joy, sorrow and hope. We see people pass us everyday, be it on the street, our school or our workplace but not once do we stop to think about the intricacies of their existence. We more often than not see others not as people equal to ourselves but rather as one dimensional entities that fill the void in our life's background. We attribute them the characteristics we deem logical for them to have and don't give ourselves the opportunity to really explore their beings. What is a friend? Ideally a friend would be someone who goes beyond the hollow one-dimensional attribution and really gets to know you. Understanding not only the many sides to your character and personality but what you hold dear and believe in as well. We make friends not only with those who used to be strangers but also with old acquaintances and even family members. We all wish to be understood don't we? I honestly couldn't think of someone who wished for understanding without being understood himself. If such a being existed he would most definitely be disgusting, just running around in his or her ignorance. Was I experiencing sonder right now? I could only wonder as I subtly stared at those eyes of his.

Surprisingly enough though we can come to sonder even in our own homes, with the people we are the closest to and would normally claim to know the best. We can one day realize that we don't really understand a person and have so far only been scratching the surface of their true selves. He wasn't really my family but could and was already largely considered to be by both Mother and Father, our families were pretty close after all. Not only that but I had at some point considered him family as well and even if I hadn't been particularly close to any of my family members for quite a while now, he was a part of it at some point regardless. That was, however, until we started to drift apart due to him appearing completely cynical towards the situation I was both at home and at school. It wasn't as if I ever expected him to solve this issues, even less now, but the fact that he never even approached me to offer his support had hurt me to no end. That was the past however, it was time for the crybaby to end.

Motivations are a very complex set of concepts, ones that even if coming from the same place in all of us can take multiple interlinked roads. Linking the past, present and the future in an effort to make all of it worth it as a whole. The need to act today rarely comes from the present itself, most often than not coming from either the past or the future. So why should I act today? Why do I feel so resolute to put an end to this friendship? Friendship? Had we really been friends at any point? What was that I once ought to do by his side? Shouldering the challenges of the future together? Growing alongside one another? No, that didn't sound right.

"So where are you taking me, Yukinoshita-san?"

He asked with nothing less than a cheerful smile and those glistening eyes of his, apparently having already regained his usual composure. I had been growing to despise that static smile of his, it wasn't real. No one could ever be constantly happy, could they? What was his motivation for faking happiness however, reliability? Did he wish for others to admire him? No, admiration would never be gratificating unless you inspired others out of your own heart. Inspiration came from the heart and never the mind after all.

"Somewhere a bit more private."

I answered without hesitation while taking notice of what seemed to be a small flame already burning inside of me, my chest felt hot and my throat sore. Was I angry? No, this was how true determination felt like. He blushed slightly at my remark, probably not fully understanding its meaning.

"Don't get any ideas, there's just something I need to ask of you."

"Oh...I see."

He seemed to flinch for barely a second before putting on that fake smile of his once again and when he did, the whole world seemed to smile back at him. How could he irradiate so much positivity all the time? By him stealing a glance back at me I realized my staring had gone for far too long, to which I reacted by immediately averting my sight from him. Trying to ignore the sligh blush spreading across my cheeks I pressed on forward without much consideration for his walking pace. He seemed genuinely happy about this little outing of ours and yet I couldn't shake the feeling that the awkwardness between us was not solely my fault.

What was happiness? Could one ever really fake happiness? Or could the mere notion of being happy bring happiness by itself? I couldn't quite tell why but all of this questions had been only plaguing me as of late, before this point in time not even popping inside my head. Ignorance was bliss wasn't it? For one wouldn't suffer when unaware of his or her own ignorance. At any rate, this was probably a side effect of me finally growing up and so I needed to see this doubts of mine to the very end now.

"That seems like a good place, come on now."

I casually said while pointing my finger at the fortune wheel that stood tall among all of the other attractions. It was a slow ride and offered a beautiful panoramic view of not only the whole park but the surrounding area as well. The perfect place for couples or personal questions alike, it was my best bet. As we made our way to the aforementioned attraction he seemed to get a little nervous, his quickened breathing and distant gaze being proof of this. Why was he nervous? Well, I guess it could be expected of him given what I had told him before. He, after all, had no idea of what I was going to ask of him.

Moving through the seemingly endless crowd was starting to really take its toll on me. It had always been difficult for me to be surrounded by this many people and so raising a hand to my temple and closing my eyes for a second, I took a deep breath before continuing. Should I immediately proceed in my current state I would surely faint.

"Are you alright?"

He said while bringing his hand to my left shoulder, to which I blushed in response. His face showed nothing but worry now, did he truly care about me? Had I been mistaken? No, I hadn't. Escaping from the brief illusion his perfect smile and deceitful eyes had put me through I shook away his hand from my shoulder and pressed on. What was that he wanted? I thought in distress while vigorously pressing forward with little regard for my surroundings.

"Be careful…!"

Someone said in discomfort as I collided with him, my recklessness being the cause of this. Still just wanting to just get away, I continued on without looking at him.

"Sorry, she's not good with crowds"

Was he seriously apologizing for me? This made me angry and I couldn't quite tell why. Sometimes looking at me as if I was the most precious thing in the world while completely disregarding my wellbeing and dignity in other occasions. Was he playing with me or wasn't he aware of this fact? Having finally arrived to our destination, we immediately passed on to the line for the attraction. His smile losing its usual charming effect with every given step.

The rest happened in a flash, the many minutes we waited in line, us getting inside the little cabin reserved for us, us rising up above the sky. It all happened so fast I didn't even take notice of how long it took us to get here. He intently gazing into my eyes as I struggled to push the words out of my throat. His eyes showing nothing but a void in which warmth headed on to die, it honestly seemed as if he knew exactly what I was going to say.

"I..."

The sunset now violently occurred behind him, sending rays of light from the sides and top of his head. His slender yet healthy figure being darkened by the contrast this put him through, his vicious and calculating eyes now lacking any of the glistering joy these usually had. He was currently like an eclipse, projecting nothing but darkness into the world no matter how much light surrounded it. But was the sun or the moon that selfishly deprived Earth from all of its light? I couldn't tell and this tore me apart. There was a time I liked him, a time I treasured him and now it was the time for me to despise him. Always rejecting the immediate reality while living in the past, living under the illusion that it was all alright. That I wasn't harassed and that he didn't ought to put an end to it. To stand up for me. Remembering my sister's words in that very moment I realized something. For me a friend was someone who would stand up for me even should I not ask for any help, it was a self indulgent and narcissistic desire and yet I didn't want to give it up. I wanted to help people, of course, but I also needed someone to care for me. For I ain't capable of enduring this alone for much longer. It wasn't as if I needed someone to fully understand my motivations but I needed someone to stand up for me because he or she followed his heart and not his mind. For someone prioritized me over the status quo. Does someone like that even exist? I wonder.

"Why don't you ever stand up for me?"

Slowly but surely pushing the words out of my throat I sent him my most serious expression in an effort to get through to him what I now expected of him. We were now alone, weren't we? I expected him to at least be sincere with me now, just as the clouds themselves seemed to be exist under our feet. Seemingly taken aback by my question his calculating and arrogant expression was washed away by the likes of surprise and, joy?

"May I know why you are asking me this?"

Answering a question with another question, he was surely trying to divert my attention. I could still redirect it however.

"I want to know where we are standing respective to one another."

I answered with confidence and a calculated ice cold tone.

"Where we stand? Aren't we friends?"

The term friend was a vague one at best, one that was rarely discussed with a so called friend due to the very awkward nature of such a discussion. Discussing what a friend really was put in peril all the relationships that up to that point had been, even if unspoken, considered friendships. People didn't talk about this things due to the fear of arriving at a critical disagreement that would question the veracity of said relationship and yet, I wouldn't settle for an ambiguous relationship now. Not one that I had treasured for far too long in the past.

"What is a friend to you, Hayato?"

I rarely refer to anyone by their first name but in this moment I don't care should I come out as rude, absolute sincerity was what I expected of him now. If he granted me that now it might just change my current perspective of him a bit. Feeling the struggle between the will to follow my now dear ideals and the emotion that prompted me to just beg for him to help me, I tightened my fists and lowered my gaze a bit. A crybaby? A crybaby would back down now but unfortunately I wouldn't be a crybaby anymore. I was a Yukinoshita, no, I wanted to be one. Prideful, hardworking and seeker of an idealistic absolute justice. That was who I wanted to be, one that helped people and was at the very least capable of standing on her own.

"A friend? What a weird question."

He laughed uncomfortably at my question in an effort to delay his now impending response by if only a second. How will you work your way out of this one, huh? I pondered while intending to get the truth out of him.

"I guess someone whom you would want to hang around with? To spend time together and share their lives?"

Just as expected he wouldn't bulge in the slightest, being someone who constantly tried his hardest to preserve the stability of any given system it was only natural for him to react like this. Thus, in order to get the truth out of him I would have to force him to create a new relationship with me, to reset our existing one and give way to a new one. One in which we would be forced to compare his ideas about friendship with mine. It was my only choice now.

It was true that I wanted someone to support me when I fell but he or should should be able to catch me on their own, out of their own volition. This was because while desiring for support I also wanted to be able to stand by myself. To force my own way forward and only should I fall for someone to be there for me. It was clearly a narcissistic, egoistic and self indulgent wish but it was mine to hold regardless.

"For me a friend is someone who would help me even if I don't explicitly ask for his or her help. Someone who cares and supports me out of their own volition. What about yours?"

My voice grew increasingly colder with each word I spew.

"I just told you Yukinoshita-san. Or are you expecting of me to help you in matters that don't concern me?"

He referred to me so formally in spite of me having called him by his first name before, was he trying to create emotional distance? Feeling somewhat distressed and a little ill I pressed on, backing down wouldn't be like me anymore.

"I'm expecting of you to reflect on what I just told and determine whether or not you could be my friend."

No more poking around from the bush, it was time to lie my cards down.

"We are already friends, aren't we? Besides, you were never the one to ask for any help. How would I know what you expect of me now if you never speak to me like this?"

"That may be but..."

Realizing the increasingly growing flaws within my own logic I decided to, for once, speak from the heart. I hated doing it but this was a relationship that had been and to some extent still was dear to me.

"Even if it's an egoistic desire I want to only have friends who help me out of their own volition."

"Don't you think that's asking a bit too much of people who aren't a part of your family? Friends sure hang out and enjoy spending time together but these don't need to carry the burden of one another, that would only lead to people no longer being able to take care of themselves."

His cheerful way of being has vanished completely by this point, leaving only a man whose words could match mine in temperature. Who was this person I didn't recognize?

"That would only lead to codependency and that's unhealthy."

Without being sure as to what to answer I prompted him to continue by giving a tiny nod.

"If you expect me to help you out of my own volition you should ask yourself the intricacies of that happening first."

"What do you mean?"

I asked while feeling slightly lost.

"The moment I stand up for you it would make me look bad in face of my other friends and so by helping neither you nor them and leaving you to your own devices I'm actually preserving the peace. I'm promoting a healthy atmosphere."

"Peace? Healthy atmosphere?"

I asked in disbelief as my blood started to boil, how could anyone be so cynical and carefree?

"There's nothing healthy about it and you know it."

Declaring with an ice cold stare I pressed on.

"So in that little distorted logic of yours there are no moral scales as to what is right and what's wrong? Don't you feel any regret at all for prioritizing your relationships over what's morally right?"

"Right? Was it right for you to explode during class last week?"

My heart felt like breaking upon hearing those words and yet, just as tears started falling down my face I kept on going. Sadness giving way to rage and this to hurtful intent consequently, no matter how much I tried to deny it though that had hurt.

"That was different! I had reached my tipping point and even apologized to every one of you afterwards. Even to her…!"

"You talk about moral scales and friendship but you really just want me to prioritize you over my other friends, don't you?"

"Of course not!"

I started rising my voice in distress.

"I only want you to be someone who cares for me and acts upon what is right! I just...I want you to be a real friend."

While lowering my gaze I muttered in a low bitter tone.

"I have enough fake people in my life already..."

I took a deep breath trying to calm myself before lighting my face once again and so the bitter hot feeling inside my chest was met with an empathetic smile of his.

"And don't you think that has something to do with you? I mean, you don't even try to make friends with our classmates. You should take some of that responsibility as well, don't you think?"

"Those girls harass me everyday…, are you seriously trying to place the fault on me?"

"No. But if you are also partly to blame, if you are also not taking part in any action to improve your situation, don't you think it is hypocritical to expect me to?"

"I…"

Refraining myself from giving another answer in the heat of the moment I opted instead to keep silent.

"We are friends Yukinoshita-san but I won't favor you over any of my other friends. You would have to be something more than my friend in order for me to do that..."

Surprised by his remark I still kept silent, not wanting to misinterpret anything.

"What is your reason for acting?"

"Huh?"

What was with the sudden change in topic? I wanted to see where this would lead either way.

"Why do you do the things you do? Happiness, right?"

"Security and peace of mind."

I replied while brushing away my tears.

"I act out of what brings me closer to my objective, you know? Lecturing you was a part of said process."

Gritting my teeth in desperation I said harshly.

"Lecturing me? I don't think you are right in the slightest."

"And yet you kept silent..."

He said with a pitiful expression that I hoped would never to be on the receiving end of again.

"You are arguing against someone you treasure, don't you?"

"I…"

I opened my eyes in shock as I was driven into a corner, would he really use my own feelings against me?

"I treasure you as well, you know? But I want you to learn to stand on your own too because I care about you. Doesn't that say anything to you?"

Fearing where he might be going with this, noticing his subtle but sure gain as to my position I panicked. While in panic I tend to act impulsively but never before had I done something like this.

"Trying to paint yourself as some kind of hero? One misunderstood by the one he allegedly wants to save? You disgust me..."

The sound of my slap ran through the air...

"It was fun, you know?"

He commented while looking out the window, our ride had come to an end.

He and Nee-san should have found one another by now, and where was I? As I sat alone on a bench while trying to repress my feelings it was impossible for me to contain a tear or two. Away from everybody and everyone, it was only here that I felt safe enough to cry. He had me fooled, hadn't he? I was just another pawn to him, another girl from the bunch. Another one dimensional character he refused to try to understand. Another girl who would fall under his belt, another girl for him to… It was almost impossible to know for sure what he thought of me now, more so it was also impossible to tell who was right. We didn't arrive at any kind of conclusion or middle ground after all, settling instead for just exposing our points of view in the end. This was only me trying to console myself however as the truth was that I had been completely obliterated in that argument. It seems I had been wrong all along, hadn't I? Relying on others was a deprecating notion that wished to distribute among the many the fault you ought to carry alone. Remembering once again his words and matching these with those of Sister I finally arrived at my desired conclusion. It was time for me to grow up. Finally bouncing back to reality from within my thoughts I now noticed the boy who had taken a sit besides me. Those dead-looking eyes of him lacked any color, just as his had.

"Could you please stop staring?"

The boy, irradiating an aura of clear annoyance, expressed his discomfort.

"Sorry..."

As I replied by instinct a realization came to me. If I was solely to blame for what now happened to me at school, if I was to blame for not taking any action in order to stop it before, what a better moment to start practicing than now? I would grow up from here, solely dedicating myself to my improvement and perhaps something else...

"...it's just that those dead eyes of yours reminded me of something I hate."

"Hate?"

He asked without clearly understanding my meaning, not that I would expect him to understand anyways.

"Something that I used to love."

Replying while standing up from my resting place besides him, I proceeded to leave.

"Mean bitch..."

I heard him mutter under his breath as I distanced myself from his vicinity and upon analyzing his words it hit me. Perhaps in a world like this, so often so fake, so often so cruel, it would be better to be like that. This answer didn't fully satisfy me however as no matter how much I came to hate everything the people in my life stood for, I couldn't help but to love them still. Perhaps happiness would come to me by saving people? Remembering those distasteful words of his I pondered, does anyone ever really do anything out of something different than their own satisfaction? The answer didn't really matter to me though, I would help people stand on their own for I knew how hard it was.

He had me fooled and there was no doubt about it but, could I really blame him? Or should I blame myself for my own lack of insight? He had every right to want what he wanted an act upon it as he alone saw fit, but having the right to do something doesn't mean it is correct. It never is to disregard someone and then try to gain something from them by painting yourself as a hero. By claiming it all was for the greater good.

"Don't you worry..."

I muttered under my breath while exiting the park.

"I will show you how to really change the world..."

* * *

 _I finally learned of your motivations but somehow feel even more lost than before. Is it wrong to want someone to help you out of their own volition while you struggle to finally stand by yourself? Is it wrong to want...?_

* * *

Thank you everyone for reading :)

I understand this sudden shifts in Yukino's mind might be a bit extreme at times but please bear in mind this is a way more underdeveloped version of her. One still struggling to detach herself from others.

Please be sure to tell me what you think about it, thank you all again :)


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